Elements of effective communication
Every conversation has the same parts:
- Sender: the person with an idea or feeling.
- Message: words plus tone of voice plus body language. Often the tone and body say more than the words.
- Channel: face to face, phone, text, video call.
- Receiver: the person who decodes the message.
- Feedback: the reply that shows whether the message was understood.
- Noise: anything that blocks it: a loud room, a phone buzzing, strong emotions, assumptions.
Active listening
Peer helpers listen more than they talk. Five habits: face the person, keep gentle eye contact, nod or say 'mm', ask open questions ('What happened next?' rather than 'Was it bad?'), and paraphrase: say back what you heard in your own words to check you understood.
Expressing emotions: benefits and pitfalls
Benefits of sharing feelings: less stress, others understand you, problems get solved earlier, and relationships grow closer.
Pitfalls: if you bottle up feelings, stress builds and may come out later as anger or illness. If you blast them out (shouting, blaming), you hurt others and they stop listening. Sharing very private feelings with the wrong person, or online, can also backfire.
The I-message
Say: 'I feel [feeling] when [event] because [reason].' Example: 'I feel ignored when plans change in the group chat without me, because I want to help.' It is honest without blaming, so the other person can listen.
Responding appropriately
When someone shares a problem, your first reply decides whether they keep talking.
- Helpful: show empathy ('That sounds really hard'), paraphrase ('So you feel left out since the match?'), ask what they want ('Do you want ideas, or just to talk?').
- Unhelpful: judging ('That was silly'), dismissing ('That's nothing'), rushing to advice ('Just ignore them'), or turning it to yourself ('That happened to me too, and…').
Know your limits. If a peer talks about self-harm, abuse or danger, a peer helper must tell a trusted adult such as a teacher or counsellor. That is caring, not betraying.
Giving feedback that helps others see their strengths
Feedback is information that helps someone improve. Good feedback is:
- Specific: 'Your examples about cricket made the idea clear' rather than 'Good job'.
- Kind and honest: about the work, not the person.
- Useful: it points to one clear next step.
A simple pattern is Glow and Grow: two glows (things done well) and one grow (one thing to try next time). Ask first ('Would you like some feedback?') and let the person reply. Helping people name their own strengths builds confidence, which is a key goal of peer support.
Try it: the paraphrase game
With a family member, take turns: one person talks for one minute about their day. The listener may not give advice. They must use the five listening habits and then paraphrase in one sentence. The speaker scores the paraphrase from 1 to 5. Then try the free-play step in the 3D and see which replies build trust.
Key formulas and definitions
- Communication loop: sender → message → channel → receiver → feedback (noise can block)
- Active listening: face, eye contact, nod, open questions, paraphrase
- I-message: I feel … when … because …
- Helpful reply: empathy + paraphrase + ask what they need
- Feedback: specific, kind, useful; 2 glows + 1 grow
Worked examples
1. Turn 'You always ignore me!' into an I-message.
'I feel ignored when you look at your phone while I'm talking, because I want to share something important.'
2. A friend says, 'I failed maths again.' Give a helpful first reply.
'That sounds really disappointing. Do you want to tell me what happened?' It shows empathy and invites them to talk.
3. Change this to an open question: 'Was the test hard?'
'How did the test feel for you?' or 'What part of the test was hardest?'
4. Give glow-and-grow feedback on a classmate's speech that was loud and well organised but read entirely from notes.
Glow 1: 'Your voice was clear and loud.' Glow 2: 'Your three points were easy to follow.' Grow: 'Next time, try looking up at the class at the start of each point.'
Common mistakes
- Jumping straight to advice before the person feels heard.
- Using 'you' blaming statements ('You made me angry') instead of I-messages.
- Giving vague feedback like 'nice' or 'bad' that does not say what to keep or change.
- Keeping a secret about danger or harm. Peer helpers must pass it to a trusted adult.